


You Can Choose Your Friends

by chaletian



Series: In Which The Enterprise Is Like A Village [5]
Category: Star Trek (2009)
Genre: Gen, Humor, village!verse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-10
Updated: 2010-06-10
Packaged: 2017-10-10 01:25:29
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 994
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/93691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/chaletian/pseuds/chaletian
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Enterprise is like one big, happy family. (Except for those people who hate each other.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	You Can Choose Your Friends

It would be totally awesome to say that Enterprise was like one big, happy family, but it would be a giant lie, and not just because Transporter Chief Litton is a royal douche whom Kirk would like to space except – get this – apparently, even though he _rules the ship_, he’s not allowed. Yeah. He’s not sure he believes it either.

(“Are you sure?” he whines.

“Yes,” says Spock, the giant hypocrite.)

The fact is, despite most people getting along most of the time, there are also what can only be described as disagreements on Enterprise. Actually, ‘disagreements’ is a little too mild. ‘Bitter, violent death-feuds’ would probably be more accurate.

(i) Uhura v. Hawkins

Chekov comes rushing out of the mess just as Jim and Spock are heading that way.

“Sorry, Keptin,” pants Chekov.

“Hey, kid,” says Jim, as ever blithely overlooking the fact that a) he’s only a few years older and b) some (fine, all, whatever) of the admirals keep calling him ‘kid’ and he hates it. “What’s up?”

Chekov glances awkwardly at Spock. “It is Lt Uhura,” he says reluctantly. “She is having… discussion with Lt Hawkins.”

Jim frowns. “Hawkins – isn’t he one of the comms guys?”

“He is,” concurs Spock. “He was the Bridge officer under Captain Pike.”

“Right,” says Jim. “I see.” And he does. The news nets might have latched onto the youngest crew ever™, but there were plenty of people who weren’t so keen, including some of the mid-grade officers already assigned to Enterprise. But Jim wasn’t prepared to compromise on having the best crew, whatever their age, and that was that.

They enter the mess, and it is immediately apparent that ‘discussion’ was putting it mildly. Uhura and Hawkins seem to be having some kind of stand-up Klingon duel, which continues until Hawkins yells something, Uhura sneers, and everyone becomes aware that the Captain and First Officer have somehow appeared.

“Someone want to tell me what’s going on here?” Jim asks. Everyone just stares at him for a moment.

“It’s nothing, Captain,” says Uhura. “Lt Hawkins just said I looked like a tribble wearing a shiny star.” Hawkins looks chagrined. Everyone else tries not to laugh. Uhura sweeps out with a derisive glare at her unfortunate colleague.

Jim and Spock stand silently for a moment. Then Jim glances across. “Remind me not to get on her bad side,” he says.

Spock’s face is impassive. “That would be… wise, Captain,” he says. “Lt Uhura can be extremely vocal when roused.”

Manfully, Jim doesn’t snicker. He’s a captain, not a schoolboy.

(He grins a little.)

(ii) McCoy v. Winters

“I HAVE SMALLPOX!”

“SMALLPOX DOESN’T EVEN _EXIST_ ANY MORE!”

“I’M GONNA HAVE YOU BROUGHT UP ON MALPRACTICE CHARGES!”

“YOU JUST TRY IT, YOU CRAZY BRITISH HYPOCHONDRIAC!”

(McCoy never treats him; Winters never gives up.)

(iii) Scott v. Hamley

Hamley glares poisonously at the back of Scotty’s head. “I just think Jonathan Archer’s contribution to Starfleet and its program is immeasurable.”

“Ha!” snorts Scotty. “The man’s a lunatic. And a vindictive one at that.”

“You just don’t understand him.”

“Aye, and I’m quite happy about it. Now hand me that wrench.”

(“You suck,” says Hamley, but only when Scotty’s already gone.)

(iv) Kirk v. McKinley

Theirs is a silent battle of loathing. Simple. Straightforward. Kirk hates McKinley because he was a bully at the Academy. McKinley hates Kirk because Kirk never let him get away with it, not since that first time at the bar in Iowa. He hates Kirk even more now that he’s the captain.

(Jim thinks it’s hilarious.)

(v) Chekov v. Rodriguez

“Wassup, dude!” says Rodriguez, swiping Chekov on the shoulder as he passes him in the mess. Chekov glares after him.

“I hate him,” he says, eyes narrowed.

“No kidding,” says Sulu, not looking up from his padd.

“I hope he dies,” Chekov continues, happily imagining a fiery, violent death.

“Maybe he’ll go in a freakish warp explosion,” offers Sulu, still not bothering to look up.

Chekov considers this, then nods. “Would be good. A tragic wictim.”

“And then Miya will go out with you and everyone will live happily ever after, right?”

Chekov pouts. “Is not about that.”

(It totally is about that.)

(vi) Spock v. McCoy

McCoy is already red in the face. “Do you not have an ounce of feeling in your entire green-blooded body?!”

Spock raises an eyebrow. “I am surprised you are not aware of the basic tenets of Vulcan society,” he says. “Perhaps a course in comparative xenosociology might be of benefit?”

“Oh, I’ll give you a course in comparative xenosociology, you pointy-eared calculator!”

Spock merely cocks his head slightly. “Your input into my continuing education is, of course, always welcome, Doctor. I should, however, point out that my grades in that area were above reproach and it might perhaps be redundant for me to continue.”

“Well, let me tell you this, _Spock_, you’ve got a damn lot more to learn about humans than you ever…”

“Guys! Get a room!” Jim massages his forehead. McCoy scowls. Spock looks as confused as it is possible for him to do.

“We already have this room, Jim.”

(And Jim leaves them to it.)

oOo

Jim sighs sadly into his drink. “I want us to be all one big, happy family,” he slurs.

Scott stares at him. “Captain, have ye _met_ any big, happy families?” he asks. “My uncle Malcolm is a bastard, cousin Trevor – on my father’s side – is a raging kleptomaniac, and my mother, God bless her soul, needs three bottles of Scotch just to get through Christmas.”

“Huh,” says Kirk.

“In fact, laddie, I reckon we’re as close as we’re gonnae get.”

“Woo,” says Jim, pumps his fist, and falls out of his chair.

Scotty sighs. “Just like my poor second cousin Roger.” He shakes his head. “A sad day that was.”

A hand appears above the table. “I’m fine,” says Jim.

“Eh,” says Scotty, and pours another drink.

THE END


End file.
